True Stories of Motherhood and Wifedoom

The truth and comedy of being a wife and mother

She Beats Me

“She beats me.”
My husband mentions this to the cashier in passing. I roll my eyes and respond by looking apologetic.
“He’s joking,” I resolve to hit him later as we walk out the store.
“See! I was telling the truth!” Not a tear in his eye, wielding the widest smile ever. He’ll be ok.
My husband’s humor is why I was drawn to him in the first place. Some days it’s the reason I refuse to talk to him. Tonight is the exception, he is on a roll and I am talking crazy right back.  
“I don’t think I’ve given you the right to speak.” I smack him in the belly and laugh as he yells “Why are you hitting me?!”
“She beats me.” I reply. He had conveniently told one of my co-workers this today. I’ve decided to do just that every time he says an off-the-wall comment. 
“You know spousal abuse is the number one reason marriages end in divorce.” Smack. He yells again.This has honestly been going on since he got home. Then we decide to make breakfast for supper at nine thirty at night.
“You better not let the eggs get brown; if you do I’ll have to beat you!” 
“Riiiigght,” Is my response. He rules me with an iron fist and teddy bear hugs; the latter is why I am not close to being frightened. 
To be honest, he never has me frightened. Mostly because he’s my rock, my teddy bear, the one person who lets me rant and nag and still loves me afterward more than he did before. I know he won’t admit it, but I know it’s true. Because he knows me that well, so well that he knows when I buy him something to eat for work there will be a huge bite taken out of it. So well that before I open my mouth to nag he says “before you start biting my head of…” Insert any defense, ridiculous or not, under the sun. I have learned to fire right back at him. 
“You should stop giving me quotes to fuel my blog with.” 
He snorts. “This is not going on your blog.”
“Yeah, that’s what you think.”
“Yeah you do just want to portray me as a fool.”
“No, you are seriously funny,” I am trying to make him feel good about it. He says I never listen to him; in this case he is right. I will still quote him. Funny means more reads, besides the girls love it.  I tell him this.
“Well, you shouldn’t do that then, if you want to keep me.”
What? This one is definitely come from his huge kettle of BS. 
“Why is this?”
“Well, they will all fall in love with me,” The explanation when further and in more detail about how this whole scenario would work, but I have vowed to keep the overly explicit quotes out. Personal preference, but I wouldn’t want to jinx my marriage.
“Yeah, but you love and are married to me.”
“Yeah, will see what happens after you post your blog.” Geez…what at SA, gotta love him anyway.

4 comments on “She Beats Me

  1. Pink Diva
    October 7, 2010

    Toooooo funny! Hi I am over from New Bloggy Moms to show my support. COme see me at http://www.pinkdivacafe.comNoel

  2. hiphoplife
    October 7, 2010

    Thanks for the read! I will go over and check you out!

  3. juliet
    October 8, 2010

    I am rollin'! This is too much…….I was laughing to the point of tears! Anyway, I came over from New Bloggy Moms to check you out. Stop in to see me at or

  4. Pingback: My Life as a Blur « True Stories of Motherhood and Wifedoom

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This entry was posted on October 7, 2010 by in bantering, best ways to blog, humor, jokes, marriage.
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